My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
You Might Also Like
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?