You Might Also Like
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?