My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader