my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo