Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”