Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

water it, i dare you

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.