My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.


i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup


“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc


If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t


I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.


ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion


DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady


My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.