@conarck

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

You Might Also Like

@pilau

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

@fillthevacuum

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

@Spaziotwat

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

@3sunzzz

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

@Scottcrates

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

@DurtMcHurtt

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

@beccafacexo

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING

@DiamondLou69

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

@somecleverthing

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.