Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.