Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’