Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

my first day as a raccoon

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

They grow up so quick