My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*