My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I got soap in my shower beer again.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.