My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.