My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out