My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Denise please return my vape pen
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.