My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
be safe out there!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.