My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.