My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
my retirement plan is braless