My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
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why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you