Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.