Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Brilliant!

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating