Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I’M CRYINGGG

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.