My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
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Happy Thanksgiving
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
there’s probably a fee though
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
this is funnier than any friends episode
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff