My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
🤣😂🤣
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
January has been Januweary
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2