My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here