My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.