My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night