My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.