My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
i did the math
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt