Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.