My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Mornin. * use accordingly
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright