Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)