Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

They did not think through this water fountain

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.