Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

new career option?

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

[Job interview]

Him: Do you have any questions?

Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold