Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter