@Jenn_H_Scott

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

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@Dawn_M_

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@billmaher

New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

@paulbarbar_II

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

@freedom2726

No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.

@FU_TangClan

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

@MarionDowling

BREAKING NEWS:

A werewolf has apparently mated with the Loch Ness Monster.

Please retweet to raise a Were Ness.