The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Things that don’t exist:
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
A werewolf has apparently mated with the Loch Ness Monster.
Please retweet to raise a Were Ness.