My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
my fav colour is also hitler
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me, flirting😏
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.