Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

technically true but not a great slogan

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.