My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Stop being racist to kettles.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”