Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.