My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.