My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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sugar glider wrangler
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower