My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”