Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah