Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.