Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the neighbor

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

A ghost story

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.