Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”