My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one