Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Oh deer

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

life lately

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.