My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.