Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

12. I think about this all the damn time

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.