My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats