My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Stop sending me this shit.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine