My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
🤣😈🤣
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI