Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

😩😩😩

The Struggle