My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10