My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*