Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

Pass gas, not judgment.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?