My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
🖤✌🏽
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
