My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
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I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.