Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

All right then, keep your secrets

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?