Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

My new favorite headline

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no