Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Oh, I bet you would be

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”