Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

Stop sending me this shit.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

early stone age tool

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.