Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive like no one is watching.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

no

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.