my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?