My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.