My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
time for some seasonal decor
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything