My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate