My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Breaking news:
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Ugh but profoundly
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious