My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
