Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

hand it over!

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.