My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I hope Alan is OK
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!