Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one