Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks