Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

based al yankovic

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

me 2 months after i graduated

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this